How Do I Feel at the End of the Day...

“We can worry about who is this and who is that, we can argue about who does or doesn’t belong. We can talk about how much more legitimate one or another of us is. In the end, we’re all somebody’s freak – and basic human dignity is not a privilege of the lucky superior few, but a right of all or none.” -Gwendolyn Ann Smith

I've been busy. Life is full and so are its challenges, especially for a member of the transgender community.  

I've lost friends and gained new ones. I’d been forced to find new surroundings and met the challenge with open arms. Like most transgender people in this country, I live well below the poverty line ( <$9,000 per year, albeit the concept of “poverty” in this country is relative) I’ve had my life threatened on the streets of Baltimore and the shoebox I sleep in is just cozy enough to refresh me for the morning trek to the bus stop daily.

I can not begin to claim I am an expert on the challenges of small finance and street harassment  but I am working on my Masters.  I am a transgender person without means for FFS, SRS or at least an orchiectomy. I am unable to swirl a fat check (no, not fat chick as I do not want any “hate mail”) into the coffer of those promoting the Slow March to Equality, nor would I want to.

I exist, I believe, at the Will of my Creator.  The length of the hallway between that door which opens after the other one closes, is sometimes very long, but its always just as long as its supposed to be (Thank you Gil). The experiences I live through, both good and bad simply serve to give me the tools I need at this very moment.

So while I may consider myself one of those at extreme risk of the rampant transphobia which exists in this world, I am not above the principles of spirituality I wish to ascribe to. It’s just that I have a standard I have to uphold irrespective of the chicanery of others.  Because someone professes virtue yet practices them not, I am not excused from my own action. Even if the acts of others increase the risk I face, I have to accept they are as they are supposed to be. I do not have to approve of them. I can stand up against them, however, I must not allow my principles to be martyred.

So, those of privilege who feel they speak aptly for those without and do so with the smugness and hubris of royalty, I wish to offer you peace and wellness. I need not approve of your thinly veiled cries for notoriety and popularity which wherefore previously escaped you. You were simply just the bullied geek in the hall, band instrument in hand, and alone.

I know because we are one in that.

May we grew as one in this.

Ke Kulana He Mahu: Remembering a Sense of Place PROMO

And POOF! I'm an Icon

..wave the magic wand and a few thousand dollars, you too can be held up as the latest poster child for Role Model and success story in the Wonderful World of Dizzy.

I'm not sure where we went wrong. In the rush to crown role models, or more appropriately, Idols on the par with any popular television show, we have skewed our sense of success. It is not longer that triumph of the internal struggle and its profound impact on the lives of countless others, , its the attainment of the most recent procedure, the hobnobbing with the current In Crowd and the swilling of the fattest check in the trough of Gay Inc. No, by any measure of a civilized society, these are not qualities consistent to Character or Greatness, let alone Leadership. They are monoliths to Self.

There appears to be an interesting turn of events with former members of our Elite. They've seem to have descended Sinai, wiser and more humble for the experience and have quietly taken a place of worth. One such person, at times much maligned of recent, has been drawing my admiration for her quest in life. The improvement and empowerment of individual change in the lives in a local community. Nothing national. Just wishing to make an impact. She is becoming that true role model. I wish to learn from you.

Another has calmly existed for years, a voice of reason and clarity. Always striking accord with serenity in our Sea of Calamity. When derisive debate erupts, I can turn to a pearl or two of wisdom and calmness and reflect. Her vision sees the harmony in the discord.

They are all around us. Some formerly notorious and notable, others becoming obscure. Many never shone bright on the big stage, but all seek selflessness. These are my Icons. My hero and heroine.

The Narcissist and the Autocrat are not my cuppa. Earl Gray suits me just fine.

The Child Within

A dear friend presented me with this book to assist me with mediation. Sadly, I'm only recently spent time with my nose in it. However, as with our friendship, when the student was ready, the lesson plan would appear.


The Child Within - Many of the emotional wounds that we carry around were inflicted when we were children. One way to heal such wounds is to comfort the child within. Imagine a child standing before you. Gazing down at the child, you realize that its you when you were small. Kneel down beside the child and introduce yourself. Encourage them to come toward you. If they are willing, hold them close to your heart in a warm embrace. Reassure the child that they are safe in your arms and that you will always be there to protect them from harm.I burst into tear the moment I saw, myself, standing there, arms at my side, no more than 4 years old looking very much like the photo here.

I reached towards him and was distracted by a message from a friend. And I realized, the true message. My vulnerability is my strength. My growth comes from it. Like the inner child I seek to protect, God sees me as His inner child and is there, on His knee, offering me His hand, and holding me near His heart, protecting me on my journey.
I am blessed and for that I am eternally grateful.


"A great man is he who does not lose his child's heart" -Meng Tzu (c.372-c.289BC)

Happy New Decade

Happy New Decade to all of my friends and family. A side effect of being a bit geeky is knowing that the New Millenium and thus Century and Decade started on 01/01/01. This means of course last night marked the close to our very first decade of a very apparent brave New World. Most for the obvious reasons, many for reasons yet obscured, yet I suspect, we all feel great change. I know I do.

In looking back, but briefly, I've seen the lost of deeply cherished loved one and the placing of new ones in my life. I've seen my old notions eradicated only to witness new ones germinate. I've taken stock of growth in others, albeit finding that growth within myself too.

My tears, my laughter, my fears, my joy, my struggles and my Faith all still exist. However they have changed. I have changed. The world I view through my own eyes has changed and for once, I end a decade grateful for it all.