Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Am I Destined to Be Alone Forever?

Every now and then I ponder the meaning of my existence. Now, this sounds all philosophical and heady, yet it’s simple nothing more than, "Will I spend the rest of my live alone?"
I tell myself "I don't want to live by myself!" and until last night, I was looking at it the wrong way. For you see, what I was saying to myself was, “I don't want to live with YOU", meaning ME! And if this was actually true, then, did I need fixing'? I mean, can I be ready for someone else if I'm not ready for me?

The last 8-10 months of my sentence on this planet have involved some pretty in-depth examinations of my past, my present, and my future. Though these "probes" to the center of my soul have been ongoing for several years, before now they were very superficial. Never before had I "taken a hard look in the mirror". Like most crossdressers, it’s a quick passing glance on my way somewhere or just a reflection in another object. This is all about to change.

For longer than I care to remember, I've been a crossdresser, a transgenderist and a bigendered individual. This fact has caused me considerable pain in my life. My earliest memories include the fear of discovery. It is that fear that ruled my life until a short 2 years ago. Although the effects of fear on my psyche cannot be dismissed overnight, the mere fact that the fear is gone is akin to the breathing of fresh air right after a sauna. Cool, deep fulfilling breaths providing reassurance are contrasted to the short, hurried, shallow pants one finds in a fog of steam, while never knowing if the next is your last.

My life is starting to develop meaning. I have rediscovered personal traits that were quite dusty! Yet why did I still question my relationship status? Was it because I seemed to pick the "winners"? The one that if I walked into a room of 1,000 women, I'd walk out with a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree", the sickliest one of the bunch! This could not be coincidence. It has to be more than mere happenstance. It's ME! I've set standards and conditions in my partners that compliment my failings.

Like the drug addict or alcoholic finding the 12 steps of recovery, I've recently found my "12 steps" to spirituality! That balance I've been seeking. This is not to say I've arrived at my spiritual zenith. I've just started taking the first steps of that 1,000 mile journey. A lot of personal inventory taking and making amend with those I've wronged. I can humbly accept myself as the loving person I am. I can display compassion with reckless abandon. I can wake up in the morning and know I'm one day closer to my center.

In retrospect, I'm not so much concerned with being alone. I rather like myself and am content to take my time, and find the RIGHT woman for me. She'll be the woman professing that I'm the right MAN for her! And do you know something? I just might be.....