EDITOR'S NOTE:This post was saved in draft status for nearly six years. It references discussions around the recent coming out of trans model Andreja Pejić.
It is safe to say, it was not important enough to post at that time. Today I feel differently about it and I believe it has value, if only to hold a glimpse of my mind, well before I lost it.
The discussion swirled around the need to further conversations past the cursory curiosity questions and into the marginalization experienced by all trans people, minimum in some, much greater in many.
However, at one point she touched on where [Andreja] Pejić will align herself in terms of advocacy and whether it is fair to place expectations of activism or advocacy upon out trans people.
I think coming out is an feat of activism. It's action that benefits a cause.
Yet, there should never be an obligation for someone who happens to be transgender to be drafted into compulsory service.
Many want resolution to the years of marginalization and microaggression they faced. I understand the need to balance out one's life.
Yet there is not a national transgender entity, where our members who dedicate themselves to service of others, can come together to promote solutions to communal needs. We have LGBT organizations which tokenize trans people and trans organizations which serve to monopolize the issue space.
Everyone wants to play leader.
There is a better way. It involves the collective conscience of community, no longer bound by birthright or access, or how self important one thinks they are. Where color and conformity are not barriers, but beneficial attributes.
Because society places too many expectations of external change upon the trans individual coming out, many do not realize the process they are enduring is seeking gender authenticity.
Hegel gives us "Identity is the identity of identity and nonidentity." Welcome to the nonidentity.
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Who Makes a Woman?
Author Elinor Burkett asks if women and men have different
brains in her quest to assert “What Makes a Woman?”
The greater question she wishes to attend to is whether
trans women are women. To Burkett, they are not.
She asserts that many self defined Progressives are adopting
an idea that differentiation within the brain causes differences in life paths
taken and hard wires our gender within us all.
That may or may not be true, these notions or ideas about brain differences. It is a straw man argument. Proffering such seeks not to discuss the greater issue, but to obfuscate it. We do not need to debate such notions, because the outcome changes nothing with respect to Burkett’s real claim, “that being a woman means having accrued certain experiences, endured certain indignities and relished certain courtesies in a culture that reacted to you as one.” Burkett further claims that “female is a social construct that has subordinated [women].”
We can agree that Woman is a social construct and that it most certainly has subordinated women, however, her vague “certainties” are lacking. What precise experiences, what certain indignities, and which certain courtesies is Burkett professing? Besides not being fully articulated in her piece, Burkett’s Rules of Womanhood are, so far as I am aware, not articulated elsewhere. If one discounts trans women for failing to possess some or all of Burkett’s Rules, what becomes of cisgender women without all of the dynamics Burkett asserts are necessities, not just sufficiencies? Do people like Burkett have the privilege of asserting qualification upon womanhood?
Arizona State University Professor James Paul Gee is vested in the study of linguistics and discourse communities. Gee’s work is well documented and his understandings of literacy, learning and acquisition are nearly unparalleled. For Gee acquisition is “a process of acquiring somethingsubconsciously by exposure to models and a process of trial and error, withouta process of formal teaching.” We find Burkett presenting a notion of acquisition.
Social constructs rely upon acquisition. It is a process by which enculturation transpires. Burkett accepts Woman is a social construct. She asserts acquisition is a mechanism which bestows membership. Since acquisition requires exposure, and such exposure alone, without a process of trial and error is insufficient to acquisition, such memberships change over time. The greater the exposure, the more frequent the process of trial and error, the stronger the acquisition. So if one is to accept Burkett’s ideas of membership into womanhood, all women are not equal members. Some have less exposure to models (constructs) and fewer sequences of trials and error. Are they less of a woman? Burkett believes so.
That may or may not be true, these notions or ideas about brain differences. It is a straw man argument. Proffering such seeks not to discuss the greater issue, but to obfuscate it. We do not need to debate such notions, because the outcome changes nothing with respect to Burkett’s real claim, “that being a woman means having accrued certain experiences, endured certain indignities and relished certain courtesies in a culture that reacted to you as one.” Burkett further claims that “female is a social construct that has subordinated [women].”
We can agree that Woman is a social construct and that it most certainly has subordinated women, however, her vague “certainties” are lacking. What precise experiences, what certain indignities, and which certain courtesies is Burkett professing? Besides not being fully articulated in her piece, Burkett’s Rules of Womanhood are, so far as I am aware, not articulated elsewhere. If one discounts trans women for failing to possess some or all of Burkett’s Rules, what becomes of cisgender women without all of the dynamics Burkett asserts are necessities, not just sufficiencies? Do people like Burkett have the privilege of asserting qualification upon womanhood?
Arizona State University Professor James Paul Gee is vested in the study of linguistics and discourse communities. Gee’s work is well documented and his understandings of literacy, learning and acquisition are nearly unparalleled. For Gee acquisition is “a process of acquiring somethingsubconsciously by exposure to models and a process of trial and error, withouta process of formal teaching.” We find Burkett presenting a notion of acquisition.
Social constructs rely upon acquisition. It is a process by which enculturation transpires. Burkett accepts Woman is a social construct. She asserts acquisition is a mechanism which bestows membership. Since acquisition requires exposure, and such exposure alone, without a process of trial and error is insufficient to acquisition, such memberships change over time. The greater the exposure, the more frequent the process of trial and error, the stronger the acquisition. So if one is to accept Burkett’s ideas of membership into womanhood, all women are not equal members. Some have less exposure to models (constructs) and fewer sequences of trials and error. Are they less of a woman? Burkett believes so.
The issue is not “What Makes a Woman?” as Burkett entitles,
however it is “Who Makes a Woman?” as her argument reinforces. Burkett believes
she makes that determination.
Setting aside diversionary theories, we can see Burkett
offers nothing new under the sun. This form of Essentialism is premised on there
being only two qualifying attributes of a woman; the assignment of female at
birth for that individual; and progressing entirely through one’s lived
experience within that socialized group as reacted upon by society. Consistent
to this, Burkett argues those “who haven’t lived their whole lives as women…
shouldn’t get to define us.” She manages this while simultaneously defining
transgender women, without to this author’s knowledge, having lived ANY of her
life as a trans woman.
So what of those individuals who were assigned female at birth, but didn’t have the same certain experiences Burkett ascribes are necessary for membership within the construct of womanhood, namely being reacted to as one?
Sojourner’s Truth is filling this discussion faster than the Republican Presidential race is filling with hopefuls.
“That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman?”
Sojourner Truth’s lived experiences are that of not being seen as a woman by a culture that devalued her very existence. Burkett’s arguments would deny Sojourner membership for not “having accrued certain experiences, endured certain indignities and relished certain courtesies in a culture that reacted to [her] as one.” So membership may consist of assignment at birth, or it may include lived experiences, yet possession of both are not necessities. Given this, the social construct of Woman is open to all women, of all experiences, regardless of sex assigned at birth or Elinor Burkett.
“…and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."
So what of those individuals who were assigned female at birth, but didn’t have the same certain experiences Burkett ascribes are necessary for membership within the construct of womanhood, namely being reacted to as one?
Sojourner’s Truth is filling this discussion faster than the Republican Presidential race is filling with hopefuls.
“That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman?”
Sojourner Truth’s lived experiences are that of not being seen as a woman by a culture that devalued her very existence. Burkett’s arguments would deny Sojourner membership for not “having accrued certain experiences, endured certain indignities and relished certain courtesies in a culture that reacted to [her] as one.” So membership may consist of assignment at birth, or it may include lived experiences, yet possession of both are not necessities. Given this, the social construct of Woman is open to all women, of all experiences, regardless of sex assigned at birth or Elinor Burkett.
“…and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Of ordinary strength
I was recently asked to provide input for a piece being written in Baltimore GayLife concerning Women's History Month. I was asked who my role models were and if I knew any Sheroes (she-heroes, women regarded as heroes.) After citing several role models and women I admired and looked up to, I was informed by the author, I had be listed as a shero by someone else and if I could write a little something on it.
Humility, that ever elusive sliver of mercury, impossible to grasp and deadly to hold, has been my guide. I failed but managed this:
I’m Jenna Fischetti. I have been a facilitator of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center of Baltimore and Central Maryland’s (GLCCB) Gender Identity Group since 2006. It is a peer led group for gender non conforming persons. I have been sober for 6 years. In both areas of my life, it was necessary for me to seek integrity.
For me, the moment I integrate the inner and the outer, I produce integrity. The processes for sobriety and for gender authenticity require that I take the actions (outer) so that I may live the truth (inner).
The amazing dynamic which has appeared in my life is that these lessons, these experiences transcend sobriety and gender authenticity. They apply in everyday life, to everything I do. I was just blessed with the gift of alcoholism and a gender which is free of a binary construct. Without these opportunities in my life, it is impossible to say I would have ever known real integrity.
The growth that I must go through in order to consummate my truth in all areas of my life requires that I live to be of love and serve to others. Worthy intentions indeed, yet it is imperfect in persistent practice.
Moreover, I am humbled when I am approached by peers and those outside the select recovery or transgender communities who use words like “courageous”, “inspiring” “brave”. I suspect I never gave those words a second thought before. It is because the words they use describe actions I took because of my faith in God, in my Creator. Simply put, it was a Power far greater than I.
When I let go of the notion that I alone could author change and accepted that I needed help from others, my life changed. My God works through other people. The men and women in my life who were overtaken by societal expectations of their gender, forced to deny their own truth, helped me by allowing me be of service to them. The peers imprisoned in drug and alcohol addictions, wanting to be free, yet not knowing a path, were my life rafts to safety. No, for it is most assuredly in giving that I have received. If any one ever believes I’m a SHERO, it is because they see the actions of countless others helping me along the Way.
Today there are Principles I have as Guidelines in my life. They give me strength to grow spiritually. It is my basic spiritual believe that each and every human possesses a spirit, a soul which is equal to all others and embodies the Divine. Our bodies, our minds, our gender are the diversities we utilize to touch and help each others. My experiences help you, and your experience help me. The end game is to awaken the Spirit in all of us to practice love and tolerance of others. Again, this Way is imperfect in persistent practice.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
How Do I Feel at the End of the Day...
“We can worry about who is this and who is that, we can argue about who does or doesn’t belong. We can talk about how much more legitimate one or another of us is. In the end, we’re all somebody’s freak – and basic human dignity is not a privilege of the lucky superior few, but a right of all or none.” -Gwendolyn Ann SmithI've been busy. Life is full and so are its challenges, especially for a member of the transgender community.
I've lost friends and gained new ones. I’d been forced to find new surroundings and met the challenge with open arms. Like most transgender people in this country, I live well below the poverty line ( <$9,000 per year, albeit the concept of “poverty” in this country is relative) I’ve had my life threatened on the streets of Baltimore and the shoebox I sleep in is just cozy enough to refresh me for the morning trek to the bus stop daily.
I can not begin to claim I am an expert on the challenges of small finance and street harassment but I am working on my Masters. I am a transgender person without means for FFS, SRS or at least an orchiectomy. I am unable to swirl a fat check (no, not fat chick as I do not want any “hate mail”) into the coffer of those promoting the Slow March to Equality, nor would I want to.
I exist, I believe, at the Will of my Creator. The length of the hallway between that door which opens after the other one closes, is sometimes very long, but its always just as long as its supposed to be (Thank you Gil). The experiences I live through, both good and bad simply serve to give me the tools I need at this very moment.
So while I may consider myself one of those at extreme risk of the rampant transphobia which exists in this world, I am not above the principles of spirituality I wish to ascribe to. It’s just that I have a standard I have to uphold irrespective of the chicanery of others. Because someone professes virtue yet practices them not, I am not excused from my own action. Even if the acts of others increase the risk I face, I have to accept they are as they are supposed to be. I do not have to approve of them. I can stand up against them, however, I must not allow my principles to be martyred.
So, those of privilege
who feel they speak aptly for those without and do so with the smugness and
hubris of royalty, I wish to offer you peace and wellness. I need not approve
of your thinly veiled cries for notoriety and popularity which wherefore previously
escaped you. You were simply just the bullied geek in the hall, band instrument
in hand, and alone.
I know because we are one in that.
May we grew as one in this.
I know because we are one in that.
May we grew as one in this.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
And POOF! I'm an Icon
..wave the magic wand and a few thousand dollars, you too can be held up as the latest poster child for Role Model and success story in the Wonderful World of Dizzy.
I'm not sure where we went wrong. In the rush to crown role models, or more appropriately, Idols on the par with any popular television show, we have skewed our sense of success. It is not longer that triumph of the internal struggle and its profound impact on the lives of countless others, , its the attainment of the most recent procedure, the hobnobbing with the current In Crowd and the swilling of the fattest check in the trough of Gay Inc. No, by any measure of a civilized society, these are not qualities consistent to Character or Greatness, let alone Leadership. They are monoliths to Self.
There appears to be an interesting turn of events with former members of our Elite. They've seem to have descended Sinai, wiser and more humble for the experience and have quietly taken a place of worth. One such person, at times much maligned of recent, has been drawing my admiration for her quest in life. The improvement and empowerment of individual change in the lives in a local community. Nothing national. Just wishing to make an impact. She is becoming that true role model. I wish to learn from you.
Another has calmly existed for years, a voice of reason and clarity. Always striking accord with serenity in our Sea of Calamity. When derisive debate erupts, I can turn to a pearl or two of wisdom and calmness and reflect. Her vision sees the harmony in the discord.
They are all around us. Some formerly notorious and notable, others becoming obscure. Many never shone bright on the big stage, but all seek selflessness. These are my Icons. My hero and heroine.
The Narcissist and the Autocrat are not my cuppa. Earl Gray suits me just fine.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Child Within
A dear friend presented me with this book to assist me with mediation. Sadly, I'm only recently spent time with my nose in it. However, as with our friendship, when the student was ready, the lesson plan would appear.
The Child Within - Many of the emotional wounds that we carry around were inflicted when we were children. One way to heal such wounds is to comfort the child within. Imagine
a child standing before you. Gazing down at the child, you realize that its you when you were small. Kneel down beside the child and introduce yourself. Encourage them to come toward you. If they are willing, hold them close to your heart in a warm embrace. Reassure the child that they are safe in your arms and that you will always be there to protect them from harm.I burst into tear the moment I saw, myself, standing there, arms at my side, no more than 4 years old looking very much like the photo here.
I reached towards him and was distracted by a message from a friend. And I realized, the true message. My vulnerability is my strength. My growth comes from it. Like the inner child I seek to protect, God sees me as His inner child and is there, on His knee, offering me His hand, and holding me near His heart, protecting me on my journey.
I am blessed and for that I am eternally grateful.
"A great man is he who does not lose his child's heart" -Meng Tzu (c.372-c.289BC)
The Child Within - Many of the emotional wounds that we carry around were inflicted when we were children. One way to heal such wounds is to comfort the child within. Imagine
a child standing before you. Gazing down at the child, you realize that its you when you were small. Kneel down beside the child and introduce yourself. Encourage them to come toward you. If they are willing, hold them close to your heart in a warm embrace. Reassure the child that they are safe in your arms and that you will always be there to protect them from harm.I burst into tear the moment I saw, myself, standing there, arms at my side, no more than 4 years old looking very much like the photo here.I reached towards him and was distracted by a message from a friend. And I realized, the true message. My vulnerability is my strength. My growth comes from it. Like the inner child I seek to protect, God sees me as His inner child and is there, on His knee, offering me His hand, and holding me near His heart, protecting me on my journey.
I am blessed and for that I am eternally grateful.
"A great man is he who does not lose his child's heart" -Meng Tzu (c.372-c.289BC)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Decade
Happy New Decade to all of my friends and family. A side effect of being a bit geeky is knowing that the New Millenium and thus Century and Decade started on 01/01/01. This means of course last night marked the close to our very first decade of a very apparent brave New World. Most for the obvious reasons, many for reasons yet obscured, yet I suspect, we all feel great change. I know I do.
In looking back, but briefly, I've seen the lost of deeply cherished loved one and the placing of new ones in my life. I've seen my old notions eradicated only to witness new ones germinate. I've taken stock of growth in others, albeit finding that growth within myself too.
My tears, my laughter, my fears, my joy, my struggles and my Faith all still exist. However they have changed. I have changed. The world I view through my own eyes has changed and for once, I end a decade grateful for it all.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Dear Holdout Coworker,
Dear Coworker,
I realize you are the lone hold out of my peers at work which refuses to accept my existance. I understand when you refuse to reply to my hellos. I can have empathy with your disrespect of my personal property by throwing it away. I feel the rise in your bile as I sit directly across from you in the break room causing you move to another table. My dear coworker, I am compelled to love you with every ounce of my existance, even when its seems to go to no good. Because sweet friend, oh frightened one of questioning faith and strength, you are I and I am you.
Love,
You
I realize you are the lone hold out of my peers at work which refuses to accept my existance. I understand when you refuse to reply to my hellos. I can have empathy with your disrespect of my personal property by throwing it away. I feel the rise in your bile as I sit directly across from you in the break room causing you move to another table. My dear coworker, I am compelled to love you with every ounce of my existance, even when its seems to go to no good. Because sweet friend, oh frightened one of questioning faith and strength, you are I and I am you.
Love,
You
Friday, December 17, 2010
My coming out note from May 2010
I wanted share a note I wrote on a profile I kept of me, presenting as male. I wanted those who I was friends with to be told in a manner in which I controlled the tone.
I sincerely hope this note helps someone else, either in their own transition, or in coming to terms with a friend or family members coming to terms.
Dear Friends,
After years of struggling, therapy, love and support, I am finally being true to myself. I realize this may come as a shock to some of you. To others, you've been with me all the way. I am not changing who I am, just how I present on the outside to match who I truly am inside.(1 Samuel 16:7).
Every moment we shared was real. Every laugh, every tear, every heartbreak and every joy served to bind our lives together. Each and everyone of you has been an instrumental part of my growth, my life and my sobriety. I only hope we will continue to grow from here.
I am closing this profile down and redirecting all of my friends to my true and active profile at
http://www.facebook.com/jennaelizabeth
I will not try to send you a friends request. I will allow you to make that decision on your own. I only have the deepest love and respect for each and everyone of you.
God Bless you on your journeys,
Jenna Elizabeth Fischetti
Monday, November 22, 2010
I wasn't the only one with a "Coming Out" story in my family
In May of this year, I removed any pretenses of my own making, which served to deflect the attentions of anyone, including my family, to who I truly am.
The reactions were mixed as expected. Six months later I can see perspectives held by friends and family members for what they are, their own opinions of who I am and what they believe to be truth in the World. I can allow them to live in their beliefs with the comfort that many only want happiness and eternal life for me, as they understand it.
In this process I have received numerous words of comfort from friends and old acquaintances. Many professing offers of support whenever they may be needed by me. This outpouring is even from friends of friends or barely known coworkers at previous jobs. Yet the greatest support I have received to date is with someone else sharing their own Coming Out process.
After a half of a year into this, I was left comforted by the reactions of my immediate family, whether it was positive or negative. For the positive was unexpected, and the negative less than feared. However, the conversation I had with my father last Monday, was to set me free.
We, at some point in our discussion, entered upon the topic of how my "process" was going, how my level of acceptance from others was impacting me. Fairly enlightened subject from a man I feared my entire life. I proceeded to explain that ultimately, the level of comfort was of my determination, and that it was my acceptance of others that would see me through. What followed surprised me.
My father is Head of the Parish Council at the local Catholic Church. He chooses to attend daily services. He has a political viewpoint which runs to the Conservative side of the spectrum. He has told off colored jokes in the past. But this night, we strolled in the realm of spirituality and I was enlighten.
Our discussion from six months back had my father relating my parents thoughts at that time, that I might be gay, but that when I started dating, they felt I was just going through a phase(referencing my crossdressing behavior as a preteen). That, presently, it would be easier for him to understand me if I was before him explaining that in fact I was gay. For he had a context, an understanding of what homosexuality is. Yet, transgender was more difficult. He also shared that,he would need to understand transgenderism better and the only context he had was a mutual friend of his skiing buddy from our very same hometown who transitioned 20+ years ago. So in seeking truth, he asked me how my process was going. As I explained the details I could see a different reaction on my fathers face, for I was speaking not technically, but from my heart. I spoke in terms of spirituality and not of physicality. He then offered me this. " I can only relate to you from my own Coming Out process, and have grown to understand the word Empathy.
My parents were Carter Democrats, blue collar Baltimorians at heart. Raised Roman Catholic, they had a profound spiritual conversion in the late 70's. They became born-again Christians. My father was to relate to me his experience in coming out for Christ in a world which looked askance upon such beliefs. I too, as their child displayed my disapproval at their following. My father named his newly formed company Christian Real Estate. Lost friends and business associates all because he was being true to himself. His process, as he relates today has given him empathy. He can seek to understand what the Christian Scientist believes or of what the mindset of Socialist political opinions may hold. That true Christianity offered us humility through our differences and tolerance for our shortcomings.
I hear, read and see much in the way of attacks upon others, simply because we do not like their view or our perceived lifestyles. And these from the community of diversity towards those without such open mindedness. I, as a professed child of God, am ill equipped for such thoughts. For that, I am grateful.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wow, 5 years later and still powerless
In wishing to follow the suggestions from someone I hope to grow spiritually from, I'm writing. I'm writing on how I'm still powerless. Yet before I can talk about that, it's best to describe how I lacked the proportion of the ability to think straight and to utilize my human resources to solve my problems.
I learned some hard facts about what little power I did possess and what means to affect changes lay outside my realm as early as the age of 7. For in that year I was to die twice but not for a power greater than me.
During the summer before my family moved to West Laurel, my parents were friends with a family in that neighborhood whom had an in-ground pool. While swimming that beautiful summer afternoon, their child tipped over the pool raft I was clinging to and sent me to the bottom, 8 feet down. At 7, I was unable to swim and being a shy tyke, nobody notices you missing right away. I will say that the image depicted in a movie where the sound is muffled and the field of view is slightly distorted from the motion of the water is spot on. Even better is the sight and sound of cavitating water. Very clichéd, yet accurate. In my case it was produce by my father diving into the deep end to pull me out ( a pattern since repeated on more than one occasion ) I never learned to swim until I was 15 and to this day still carry a fear of deep water.
A few months later my family moved into the home I was to grow up in. Only a few years old at the time, the fresh basement was still unfinished. My father, an avid and accomplished pool player had his table moved in, however it was not set up yet. The movers had laid it on its side, pitched on the bevel of its top, leaning on the cast iron drain pipe and the iron pole supporting the I-beam. Seemed sturdy but was not Big Wheel proof. My younger brother decided to repeated bang his ride into the back of the unsprung trap until it snared its prey. SNAP. I heard a creak then felt the table violent snap towards me, frozen by fear, something moved me back a foot or two, then darkness. I awoken to the greatest amount of pain my body has ever recorded. A mark yet unsurpassed. The table came to rest on my chest, breaking my arm in the process. I have not recollection of how long I lay there, or how I got out. I just remember that throbbing so intense, I wanted to die.
In neither case was I able to control the events which were about to unfold, nor effect a change once they transpired. I was powerless to stop any of it.
In more simplistic terms, my entire youth is a shining example of things outside my influence. Whether it be an excruciatingly delayed puberty or being prone to an uncontrollable flood of emotions, namely crying, and sometimes for no apparent reason. From school yard bullies to being "mugged" at the People's Drug store in Landover Mall, fear became frequent running mate.
In my childhood I would find myself with every desire to have my homework done before the weekend was over, yet time and time again, I was watching the end credits to The Wonderful World of Disney and glancing at an empty sheet of paper which was to be my homework. Each occasion had be swearing I'd never do that again. Each Sunday brought more disappointment.
Then there were the late nights. Restless, irritable and discontent. Sneaking out after midnight, coming in before dawn. Trips to the woods to drink and smoke, never able to leave until its over ( my typical bar experience too). I wanted more than I was getting, but I could not break the routine. My drinking revolved around socializing. I drink when I needed to fit in, to feel normal. It took the edge off of the uneasiness and it gave me stature amongst my peers.
When the responsibilities of life began to
Monday, December 28, 2009
New Years Restitution
I sit here listening to one of my muses, Sarah McLachlan reflecting back upon last year. It has been truly an amazing year. I've endured some hardships, challenges and victories. Nothing compares to the serenity I received when body and mind were made whole. I'm grateful for many things, yet this is one of the greatest.
In the last year, I've said hello to new friends and old school mates. I've said goodbye to old friends and newbies in recovery. I've come out to my children and gain new hope for the future and opened the door to new fears. I've worked with new sponsors and left old ones. New jobs and new responsibilities have been placed at my feet. Old habits have been kicked and new good ones started. Almost nothing in my world is as it was 12 short months ago and I cannot say how much of it will still be the same in the next 12.
I'm really looking forward to the growth and opportunities my life will present me each and everyday. I finally feel at peace and ease with myself for the most part. The little things I might still lament are those items I see as manageable, goal oriented points which I am now resolved to set a course for and work on achieving.
So, in order to hold myself accountable to these, I will proceed to lay them out here.
I don't expect to achieve 100% of my goals nor do I believe that's the true objective of setting goals. I believe it will strike fear at the heart of apathy and thereby ignite my passion for change.
2010, heres to you!
Share
In the last year, I've said hello to new friends and old school mates. I've said goodbye to old friends and newbies in recovery. I've come out to my children and gain new hope for the future and opened the door to new fears. I've worked with new sponsors and left old ones. New jobs and new responsibilities have been placed at my feet. Old habits have been kicked and new good ones started. Almost nothing in my world is as it was 12 short months ago and I cannot say how much of it will still be the same in the next 12.
I'm really looking forward to the growth and opportunities my life will present me each and everyday. I finally feel at peace and ease with myself for the most part. The little things I might still lament are those items I see as manageable, goal oriented points which I am now resolved to set a course for and work on achieving.
So, in order to hold myself accountable to these, I will proceed to lay them out here.
- Set and stick to a budget - I have always worked with a very loose "cash & carry" form of personal finance which works when cash flow is good. However real long term planning ands savings are ignored.
- Start voice lessons - I had several idols in the entertainment industry as a small child. One was Rich Little. The man could do any voice and I tried to emulate him for a long time. Now I need professional assistance to help me get my true voice.
- Complete facial hair removal - I have laser hair removal and it cleared 95% of my facial hair. It is now time to rustle up the "outlaws".
- Go full time - This is an old one. For my friends, they tell me I'm the last one to realize I've already gone full time. They see my so called guy mode and say, "You're almost passable. I could almost believe you are a guy" However, the legal stuff needs to be ironed out and so I set this as one of my goals.
- Start an exercise regimen - I quit drinking 4 years ago and I kicked smoking twelve months back. I want to start yoga again and really need to budget time than money.
I don't expect to achieve 100% of my goals nor do I believe that's the true objective of setting goals. I believe it will strike fear at the heart of apathy and thereby ignite my passion for change.
2010, heres to you!
Share
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Letter to Maryland's Governor O'Malley
Martin O’Malley, Governor
Office of the Governor of Maryland
100 State Circle
Annapolis, Maryland 21401-1925
December 15, 2009
Dear Governor O’Malley,
We are deeply concerned that the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration (MVA) is considering moving backwards in policy related to obtaining accurate identification for transgender Marylanders. If adopted, the proposed MVA policy for gender designation changes would move Maryland from having a policy that generally works to provide transgender people accurate identification (albeit not an ideal policy), to becoming one of the worst states in the country, with a policy matched only in regressiveness by those in Kentucky, Montana, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas.
This move is at odds with current trends in state licensing policies. The proposed policy would require transgender Marylanders to provide a changed birth certificate first. If born in Maryland, they would need to hire an attorney and appear in court to establish specific, intimate and highly personal facts concerning their medical treatment in order to obtain a corrected gender designation on a driver’s license or state identification card. Generally speaking, in most states including Maryland, sex reassignment surgery is required to change one’s birth certificate. And, in most states, a transgender person would similarly have to hire an attorney to go to court to achieve this change. Furthermore, this will be especially burdensome for individuals born outside Maryland, many of whom will be required to file a legal action in a court thousands of miles away. Compliance will be impossible for individuals born in states such as Ohio, Tennessee and Idaho, which refuse to provide corrected birth certificates for transgender people under all circumstances.
The current MVA policy allows people who are living full-time in their new gender, yet who have not yet had relevant surgeries but intend/desire to, to have a provisional gender marker change. A permanent gender marker change is granted when proof of surgery is provided. This policy has been in place for several years, and there is no indication that any problem has arisen with its administration. This policy is slightly more restrictive than current policies in the District of Columbia, California, Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Vermont, Washington, and most recently Ohio. Each of those jurisdictions allow gender-marker change upon living full-time in a person’s new gender and people are able to get an updated ID with even a less burdensome showing than the current Maryland policy requires (there is no requirement that a person has to intend/desire relevant surgeries). These policies meet the needs of license-holders, law enforcement and other government agencies, are fully compliant with the REAL ID Act, and represent the overwhelming trend in current state policies today.
We are particularly troubled by this proposed change in policy because of the potentially devastating effect it would have for transgender people in every aspect of daily life. Recent national survey research conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force indicates that this policy would result in the overwhelming majority of transgender people having identification that is inconsistent with their appearance. Under the proposed MVA policy, more than 80% of transgender women would be listed as “men” on their licenses, and as many as 95% of transgender men would be listed as “women.” Having the wrong gender on one’s license “outs” transgender people in any situation where they need to show a license— in bars and restaurants, during routine traffic stops, and while filling out forms for employers. This violates the privacy of transgender people and puts them at risk for discrimination and bias-motivated harassment and violence. Furthermore, having the wrong gender on a person’s license needlessly complicates the work of law enforcement and other agencies that need to quickly and accurately identify individuals.
The current policy meets the State’s need for accurate identification and protects Maryland citizens’ privacy and safety and complies with the REAL ID Act. We hope you will take appropriate and prompt action to ensure that MVA retains its current policy regarding gender designation changes.
Sincerely,
Morgan Meneses-Sheets, Executive Director
Equality Maryland
Cindy Boersma, Legislative Director
ACLU of Maryland
Matt Coles, LGBT Rights Project Director
ACLU (National)
Emily Hecht, Senior Legislative Counsel
Family Equality Counsel
Sarah Warbelow, State Legislative Director
Human Rights Campaign
Shannon Minter, Legal Director
National Center for Lesbian Rights
Harper Jean Tobin, Policy Counsel
National Center for Transgender Equality
Rebecca Fox, Executive Director
National Coalition for LGBT Health
Lisa Mottet, Transgender Civil Rights Project Director
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Alice Kennedy, President
Stonewall Democrats of Central Maryland
Michael Mitchell, Executive Director
Stonewall Democrats (National)
Michael Silverman, Executive Director
Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund
Share
Office of the Governor of Maryland
100 State Circle
Annapolis, Maryland 21401-1925
December 15, 2009
Dear Governor O’Malley,
We are deeply concerned that the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration (MVA) is considering moving backwards in policy related to obtaining accurate identification for transgender Marylanders. If adopted, the proposed MVA policy for gender designation changes would move Maryland from having a policy that generally works to provide transgender people accurate identification (albeit not an ideal policy), to becoming one of the worst states in the country, with a policy matched only in regressiveness by those in Kentucky, Montana, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas.
This move is at odds with current trends in state licensing policies. The proposed policy would require transgender Marylanders to provide a changed birth certificate first. If born in Maryland, they would need to hire an attorney and appear in court to establish specific, intimate and highly personal facts concerning their medical treatment in order to obtain a corrected gender designation on a driver’s license or state identification card. Generally speaking, in most states including Maryland, sex reassignment surgery is required to change one’s birth certificate. And, in most states, a transgender person would similarly have to hire an attorney to go to court to achieve this change. Furthermore, this will be especially burdensome for individuals born outside Maryland, many of whom will be required to file a legal action in a court thousands of miles away. Compliance will be impossible for individuals born in states such as Ohio, Tennessee and Idaho, which refuse to provide corrected birth certificates for transgender people under all circumstances.
The current MVA policy allows people who are living full-time in their new gender, yet who have not yet had relevant surgeries but intend/desire to, to have a provisional gender marker change. A permanent gender marker change is granted when proof of surgery is provided. This policy has been in place for several years, and there is no indication that any problem has arisen with its administration. This policy is slightly more restrictive than current policies in the District of Columbia, California, Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Vermont, Washington, and most recently Ohio. Each of those jurisdictions allow gender-marker change upon living full-time in a person’s new gender and people are able to get an updated ID with even a less burdensome showing than the current Maryland policy requires (there is no requirement that a person has to intend/desire relevant surgeries). These policies meet the needs of license-holders, law enforcement and other government agencies, are fully compliant with the REAL ID Act, and represent the overwhelming trend in current state policies today.
We are particularly troubled by this proposed change in policy because of the potentially devastating effect it would have for transgender people in every aspect of daily life. Recent national survey research conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force indicates that this policy would result in the overwhelming majority of transgender people having identification that is inconsistent with their appearance. Under the proposed MVA policy, more than 80% of transgender women would be listed as “men” on their licenses, and as many as 95% of transgender men would be listed as “women.” Having the wrong gender on one’s license “outs” transgender people in any situation where they need to show a license— in bars and restaurants, during routine traffic stops, and while filling out forms for employers. This violates the privacy of transgender people and puts them at risk for discrimination and bias-motivated harassment and violence. Furthermore, having the wrong gender on a person’s license needlessly complicates the work of law enforcement and other agencies that need to quickly and accurately identify individuals.
The current policy meets the State’s need for accurate identification and protects Maryland citizens’ privacy and safety and complies with the REAL ID Act. We hope you will take appropriate and prompt action to ensure that MVA retains its current policy regarding gender designation changes.
Sincerely,
Morgan Meneses-Sheets, Executive Director
Equality Maryland
Cindy Boersma, Legislative Director
ACLU of Maryland
Matt Coles, LGBT Rights Project Director
ACLU (National)
Emily Hecht, Senior Legislative Counsel
Family Equality Counsel
Sarah Warbelow, State Legislative Director
Human Rights Campaign
Shannon Minter, Legal Director
National Center for Lesbian Rights
Harper Jean Tobin, Policy Counsel
National Center for Transgender Equality
Rebecca Fox, Executive Director
National Coalition for LGBT Health
Lisa Mottet, Transgender Civil Rights Project Director
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
Alice Kennedy, President
Stonewall Democrats of Central Maryland
Michael Mitchell, Executive Director
Stonewall Democrats (National)
Michael Silverman, Executive Director
Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund
Share
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Turn and Face the Strain
I want to start out my wishing congratulations to two of my friends, Elaine and B. Elaine took a trip out to Scottsdale AZ and B a trip to San Francisco. I wish both of them a speedy recovery. I've know Elaine for over 3 years. The journey she has taken has been unfolding before my eyes. With B, our friendship is less than a year old, but equally as wonderful.
As with most things in life, I find comparison of myself in relationship to events which transpire around me. As I see these two women writing another chapter in their story, I ask myself, " What chapter are you on?
For so long I merely existed , days into weeks, weeks in years. My life was a series graffiti painted walls strewn about. No table of content, forward, let alone any cognitive chapters describing the path I wander. Of writing I knew not. Handicapped by a reading disability, I forsook any attempt to express myself through chirography, let alone into text open to the public.
I cannot say what day this changed, or what directly caused it. It just happened. The fact that I care to put pen to paper and let out all that's inside is a miracle. We are as sick as our secrets, and I was terminal. As I grow in comfort with completing that therapy, I have come to learn many a thing about myself. Yet most of all this.
I fear change.
Not the nickels and dimes in the cup holder of my car. Not the fresh sheets on my bed, although that does become a chore. Security, serenity, comfort, ease, peace, knowingness, and consistency are good things. But so are growth, improvement, diversification and transition. Transition is not my goal, but reclamation is.
I like that. Improvement, recovery and redemption. I now know my journey has been one of reclamation and not transformation. I'm not seeking to be something or someone I previously was not, I'm merely seeking to reclaim who I am. Reclaim from whom or what? From a society which said it was wrong to express myself in my natural way. From my peers who said I was weak or queer for identifying myself as I am. From myself and the fear I faced.
What does change have to do with this? I look to change the way my mind is closed to ideas new to me. I look to change the way I perceive life. Nothing has changed, yet nothing is the same. Externally life is still life. The sun rises and sets. Life renews itself. Am I? Do I renew myself on a daily basis or do I allow the tracks of time guide me through the same path?
I look to change the chapter of my life to Chapter Two: The Awakening
Share
As with most things in life, I find comparison of myself in relationship to events which transpire around me. As I see these two women writing another chapter in their story, I ask myself, " What chapter are you on?
For so long I merely existed , days into weeks, weeks in years. My life was a series graffiti painted walls strewn about. No table of content, forward, let alone any cognitive chapters describing the path I wander. Of writing I knew not. Handicapped by a reading disability, I forsook any attempt to express myself through chirography, let alone into text open to the public.
I cannot say what day this changed, or what directly caused it. It just happened. The fact that I care to put pen to paper and let out all that's inside is a miracle. We are as sick as our secrets, and I was terminal. As I grow in comfort with completing that therapy, I have come to learn many a thing about myself. Yet most of all this.
I fear change.
Not the nickels and dimes in the cup holder of my car. Not the fresh sheets on my bed, although that does become a chore. Security, serenity, comfort, ease, peace, knowingness, and consistency are good things. But so are growth, improvement, diversification and transition. Transition is not my goal, but reclamation is.
Reclamation
n. restoration Synonyms:improvement, recovery, recycling, redemption, repossession
I like that. Improvement, recovery and redemption. I now know my journey has been one of reclamation and not transformation. I'm not seeking to be something or someone I previously was not, I'm merely seeking to reclaim who I am. Reclaim from whom or what? From a society which said it was wrong to express myself in my natural way. From my peers who said I was weak or queer for identifying myself as I am. From myself and the fear I faced.
What does change have to do with this? I look to change the way my mind is closed to ideas new to me. I look to change the way I perceive life. Nothing has changed, yet nothing is the same. Externally life is still life. The sun rises and sets. Life renews itself. Am I? Do I renew myself on a daily basis or do I allow the tracks of time guide me through the same path?
I look to change the chapter of my life to Chapter Two: The Awakening
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time
Share
Sunday, November 22, 2009
WOW 2009.... You shocked the heck out of me..
There was no way I saw this coming.
I started 2009 with same level of frustration and discomfort as any of my prior years since acknowledging and accepting myself. Each year started without any reasonable expectation that better things would come to pass. I have since come to understand that as hopeless, that lacking of.
Not hopeless as in unemployed, homeless, struggling with addiction issues and no direction. Although to some extent I had all of those. No, I just lack hope that there really was a solution to what ailed me.
Many thoughts have been expressed about transsexualism and gender identity issues over the years. I am not going into them here except to say that I know exactly who I am, I just didn't know why. I was trying to use the "why" to explain to others my situation. This year has shown me that is not important.
What is important is not what has happened to me over my life, yet how I respond to it. I was born exactly as I was supposed to, my sense of gender is perfectly normal. My physicality is also normal, just incongruent to my gender. For me there was this constant low grade buzz, the sort of buzz a florescent lamp's ballast puts out when something is amiss. Over a long enough period of time, that noise become a default and is hardly noticed. No more.
Last January I chose to take action in my life and to stop placing myself in the position of conflict. I'm okay with me, why should I continue to make myself into someone others are not in conflict with. The decision was made to switch locations with my Health Care providers. I had no idea at the time what a momentous decision that would be.
The first positive result was I quit smoking. My original reason for quitting drinking was " I can't quit smoking if I'm still drinking'. Of course I had to quit drinking for other reasons; however the desire to quit smoking was there. The action was lacking. This time, my reasoning was simple; I can not start anti-androgens and estrogen until I do. The power of HRT reached out for inside the pill bottle!
The second positive result was I started taking a testosterone blocker to allow my body to sync with my immutable gender. While I do not believe one's level of testosterone affects ongoing gender identity, it does affect gender confliction. I'm happy to say my testosterone levels aptly mirror my gender and that defective ballast has been replaced. The other effects are merely icing on the cake. My body has responded nicely to treatment and I am pleased. Yet nothing can compare to the sense of tranquility I feel with the oneness of my mind and body.
Another surprising result is that I'm opening up to people in my life. No longer feeling stigmatized by this birth condition, I'm comfortable to let other know in a positive way. At the beginning of the year only two of my family members knew and near no one else in my personal life, save my transgender friends. Today its easier for me to recognize those who DON'T know with special importance on my remaining untold family members.
My job today was simply a minimum wage position to stave off total unemployment in July. One Employee of the Month in August later, it has become a full time position with a master key and an alarm code to a large national retailer.
I find myself today with less fear and hesitation than I had 12 short months ago. many new friends have been added along the way. Other friends and I have redefined our roles, some for the good, some for the better.
Hope, that reasonable expectation that better things will come to pass has found my heart, my life and my journey.
Share
I started 2009 with same level of frustration and discomfort as any of my prior years since acknowledging and accepting myself. Each year started without any reasonable expectation that better things would come to pass. I have since come to understand that as hopeless, that lacking of.
Not hopeless as in unemployed, homeless, struggling with addiction issues and no direction. Although to some extent I had all of those. No, I just lack hope that there really was a solution to what ailed me.
Many thoughts have been expressed about transsexualism and gender identity issues over the years. I am not going into them here except to say that I know exactly who I am, I just didn't know why. I was trying to use the "why" to explain to others my situation. This year has shown me that is not important.
What is important is not what has happened to me over my life, yet how I respond to it. I was born exactly as I was supposed to, my sense of gender is perfectly normal. My physicality is also normal, just incongruent to my gender. For me there was this constant low grade buzz, the sort of buzz a florescent lamp's ballast puts out when something is amiss. Over a long enough period of time, that noise become a default and is hardly noticed. No more.
Last January I chose to take action in my life and to stop placing myself in the position of conflict. I'm okay with me, why should I continue to make myself into someone others are not in conflict with. The decision was made to switch locations with my Health Care providers. I had no idea at the time what a momentous decision that would be.
The first positive result was I quit smoking. My original reason for quitting drinking was " I can't quit smoking if I'm still drinking'. Of course I had to quit drinking for other reasons; however the desire to quit smoking was there. The action was lacking. This time, my reasoning was simple; I can not start anti-androgens and estrogen until I do. The power of HRT reached out for inside the pill bottle!
The second positive result was I started taking a testosterone blocker to allow my body to sync with my immutable gender. While I do not believe one's level of testosterone affects ongoing gender identity, it does affect gender confliction. I'm happy to say my testosterone levels aptly mirror my gender and that defective ballast has been replaced. The other effects are merely icing on the cake. My body has responded nicely to treatment and I am pleased. Yet nothing can compare to the sense of tranquility I feel with the oneness of my mind and body.
Another surprising result is that I'm opening up to people in my life. No longer feeling stigmatized by this birth condition, I'm comfortable to let other know in a positive way. At the beginning of the year only two of my family members knew and near no one else in my personal life, save my transgender friends. Today its easier for me to recognize those who DON'T know with special importance on my remaining untold family members.
My job today was simply a minimum wage position to stave off total unemployment in July. One Employee of the Month in August later, it has become a full time position with a master key and an alarm code to a large national retailer.
I find myself today with less fear and hesitation than I had 12 short months ago. many new friends have been added along the way. Other friends and I have redefined our roles, some for the good, some for the better.
Hope, that reasonable expectation that better things will come to pass has found my heart, my life and my journey.
Share
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
I figure the title will scare away all the Godless heathens....
8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I not only believe in God, I trust in Him. This very fact will alienate about 1/3 of the world's population ( the 1 billion non religionists and about 20% of the rest!)
I certainly didn't ask to be born non cisgender. Yes, not non cisvestite, not non cissexual or any other label somebody else wishes to use in order to justify their existence. I said non cisgender.
But I was.
I do not believe these feelings I have, the sort of feelings that over 90 % of the worlds population has without second thought are somehow "changeable". They are as much a part of me as any of my organs or limbs. I could attempt to "cut" them out, but in turn, would be left horribly disfigured. Scarred. Therapy only serves to offer tools for coping. Yet, if my faith is what I profess it to be, than prayer and meditation should also be employed. Because am I not seeking growth? Spiritual, mental and physical growth? Certainly I must nourish all three.
I find it increasingly difficult to identify with the vocal part of the non cisgender community. They are self-centered egotistical narcissist arrogant asses, in other words, they are I. I truly do not with to project my weaknesses upon others, nor subject others to them. Why must I have his thorn in my side? Where is the growth in this?
Trust is another word for hope, and hope is a reasonable expectation that better thing will come to pass. Do I truly trust in Him?
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Pardon me, may I have the last 30 minutes of my life back?
I would like to thank OpenLetterstoKRXQ.wordpress.com for posting the podcast of The Rob, Arnie and Dawn show on KRXQ in Sacramento. I was reading all sorts of complaints about one of their shows in which Rob and Arnie were suggesting violence to children who express gender identity disorder and had not hear it myself. Thank you. Now,
Who do I see to get back the last 30 minutes of my life?
I listened to the segment, all 36 minutes of it and first of all. I need to say this. Rob and Arnie's positions on GID, while inaccurate, should not be construed as hate speech, nor should their right to express it be hindered. Their advocation that violence, or physical discipline is the solution is borderline criminal. Their intolerance for fellow host Dawn was atrocious, vile, disrespectful and adolescent. The radio station, its advertisers, and audience possess all the power necessary to regulate their comments.
I agree with very little of what was stated during that 36 minute discourse on contempt prior to investigation, yet some of it had merit. I wouldn't let either of those two men coach my children in sports, lead them in a Scout trip nor take them to a ball game with their children. It is a fact that some children act out for attention. However, for those of us who hid our gender identity, buried that innate sense of self inside of us, dealt with the struggle daily for 20, 30 or 40 years, its not a matter of attention. In fact we want no attention. Just the right to quietly live our lives, to earn a living and to be.
Is GID a mental disorder? Is it a hormonal imbalance during gestation which creates the mind to be incongruent with the body? Is it a condition created through nurture and not nature? All of these can be debated because there is yet no definitive study on what creates an individual's sense of gender and thereby their expression of it.
Yet one thing is not debatable. It exists. It's real, its overwhelming to many of us and its persistent. It doesn't go away after years of "manning up" for boys or "knowing your place" for girls.
The First Amendment gives Rob and Arnie the right to prove their ignorance. All 10 give me the right to exist.
Who do I see to get back the last 30 minutes of my life?
I listened to the segment, all 36 minutes of it and first of all. I need to say this. Rob and Arnie's positions on GID, while inaccurate, should not be construed as hate speech, nor should their right to express it be hindered. Their advocation that violence, or physical discipline is the solution is borderline criminal. Their intolerance for fellow host Dawn was atrocious, vile, disrespectful and adolescent. The radio station, its advertisers, and audience possess all the power necessary to regulate their comments.
I agree with very little of what was stated during that 36 minute discourse on contempt prior to investigation, yet some of it had merit. I wouldn't let either of those two men coach my children in sports, lead them in a Scout trip nor take them to a ball game with their children. It is a fact that some children act out for attention. However, for those of us who hid our gender identity, buried that innate sense of self inside of us, dealt with the struggle daily for 20, 30 or 40 years, its not a matter of attention. In fact we want no attention. Just the right to quietly live our lives, to earn a living and to be.
Is GID a mental disorder? Is it a hormonal imbalance during gestation which creates the mind to be incongruent with the body? Is it a condition created through nurture and not nature? All of these can be debated because there is yet no definitive study on what creates an individual's sense of gender and thereby their expression of it.
Yet one thing is not debatable. It exists. It's real, its overwhelming to many of us and its persistent. It doesn't go away after years of "manning up" for boys or "knowing your place" for girls.
The First Amendment gives Rob and Arnie the right to prove their ignorance. All 10 give me the right to exist.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)