Sunday, December 6, 2009

Turn and Face the Strain

I want to start out my wishing congratulations to two of my friends, Elaine and B. Elaine took a trip out to Scottsdale AZ and B a trip to San Francisco. I wish both of them a speedy recovery. I've know Elaine for over 3 years. The journey she has taken has been unfolding before my eyes. With B, our friendship is less than a year old, but equally as wonderful.

As with most things in life, I find comparison of myself in relationship to events which transpire around me. As I see these two women writing another chapter in their story, I ask myself, " What chapter are you on?

For so long I merely existed , days into weeks, weeks in years. My life was a series graffiti painted walls strewn about. No table of content, forward, let alone any cognitive chapters describing the path I wander. Of writing I knew not. Handicapped by a reading disability, I forsook any attempt to express myself through chirography, let alone into text open to the public.

I cannot say what day this changed, or what directly caused it. It just happened. The fact that I care to put pen to paper and let out all that's inside is a miracle. We are as sick as our secrets, and I was terminal. As I grow in comfort with completing that therapy, I have come to learn many a thing about myself. Yet most of all this.

I fear change.

Not the nickels and dimes in the cup holder of my car. Not the fresh sheets on my bed, although that does become a chore. Security, serenity, comfort, ease, peace, knowingness, and consistency are good things. But so are growth, improvement, diversification and transition. Transition is not my goal, but reclamation is.

n. restoration Synonyms:improvement, recovery, recycling, redemption, repossession

I like that. Improvement, recovery and redemption. I now know my journey has been one of reclamation and not transformation. I'm not seeking to be something or someone I previously was not, I'm merely seeking to reclaim who I am. Reclaim from whom or what? From a society which said it was wrong to express myself in my natural way. From my peers who said I was weak or queer for identifying myself as I am. From myself and the fear I faced.

What does change have to do with this? I look to change the way my mind is closed to ideas new to me. I look to change the way I perceive life. Nothing has changed, yet nothing is the same. Externally life is still life. The sun rises and sets. Life renews itself. Am I? Do I renew myself on a daily basis or do I allow the tracks of time guide me through the same path?

I look to change the chapter of my life to Chapter Two: The Awakening

I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time


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